Huosesitting this dog has truly reinforced my love for cats.

song (potential work in progress)

when I woke up I found you gone
it didn't matter as you left a song
playing all day
deep in my heart

when you didn't return
I knew it couldn't be
but the song you left
still plays to me

Stream of thought Excercise #004 (short)

Reaching for the unreachable
Pursuing that which is not free to be pursued
Attempting to touch the untouchable
The mind knows of the impending failure
The heart is ignorant...

Geography of My Mind

Another day begins
a day in my battered life.
Trials and tribulations.
Happiness and pain.
My anguished mind struggles to comprehend the futility of it all.

Hoping, wishing, grasping
for a single spark of joy.
Monotony and self doubt
sit high upon their thrones in the hierarchy of my mind.

Outside the opposite manifest.
Happy, fun and fearless.
But the truth is harsh and brutal.
Depression, the highest peak in the mountain range of my mind.
A steep and narrow snow capped summit
abraided by the harsh winds of ruthless reality.
A reality full of lies and painful memories.
Sinkholes of betrayal,
Deserts of depression,
And oceans of lost dreams...

My Love...

I was looking for something
right in front of my face.
Looking for someone to love
and fill that empty place.
Trying to have that feeling
I have not felt in so long.
That feeling that lifts you up
and fills your heart with song.
I was looking for someone
who had been there all along
Sharing in the search
and searching just as long.
I don't know what I expected,
Not sure what was there
A friendship had already blossomed
and I had begun to care.
Finally giving fate a chance
throwing caution to the wind
I didn't expect you to say yes
and for all this to begin.
Didn't expect to fall
Didn't want to care
I looked into my heart
and saw the love growing there.
Fall too hard too fast
not knowing what to do
Did not want to admit it,
Did not think it could be true
Everything felt so perfect
Every moment spent with you.
I never knew how sweet
love could really be
Looking into your eyes
I finally began to see.
Feeling like I've known you
and wishing I really had.
Either way you left
and left me devastated and sad.
Never felt as happy
than when you were here
Nestled in my arms
Kissing away our fears.
You are always on my mind
It always felt so true
I'll never find another
quite as unique as you.

seasons of my soul

The season in my soul is fall.
Browned dead leaves litter the landscape
and a cold wind blows across my heart.
The branches of my mind
creak and tremble with the emotional turmoil
and confusion over how I allowed so much in my life
to go so wrong.

Winter fast approaches as I dream for spring.

The snow is going to fall soon on the
utter desolation of my soul.
Seasons change. And so will I.

5 AM 14 degree walk epiphanies.

I woke up at 2 AM this morning. My mother called last night to inform me that A: my uncle died after fighting a new bought of cancer and B: that she talked to the DA involved in my brother's case only to find out that they are currently at a standstill due to lack of substantial evidence.

The last few years have not been kind to say the least. Things never really change. The same old money issues. The same old relationship issues. The same old shit over and over again. I would do anything to change the way things have worked out. I would do anything to take back the last conversation I had with my brother when I argued with him about constantly putting my parents marriage under duress by constantly making my mother give him money behind my father's back. But I can't. I said hurtful things and there is no way to take them back. He died with the last things I said to him being "Get your shit sorted out and figure out what the fuck you are doing with your life". Lovely yeah?


And now here I sit trying to remember the last time I even said hello to my uncle. Or any of the other people who have died these last 4 and a half years. When my best friend was in the hospital waiting to die because his infections made him unable to get a proper transplant I went as far as offering to go through the tests to give him whatever he needed, if I could, to live. But it was already too little too late.

People shuffle through life going through the motions of the life they want to live. Very few of us actually go the distance and chase what we want without worrying about the pain or potential involved. Too many are afraid of what the repercussions will be of our actions and so we dismiss the possibility of the true happiness we see running right in front of our faces like the ring on the merry-go-round. Reach out dammit!! Chase your dreams. Run after what you want and fight for it! How many more chances are you really going to get in this life to be with someone or to have something that will make you happy? Take those small fleeting moments of pleasure and relish in them.

The clock is ticking. Wait and sit in your unhappy life, or chase the dreams. The choice is yours.

Tim

Another one down.

Here it is. Another year begins. Resolutions...

1. Write
2. Write some more.
3. Publish something
4. Get out of my rut of a life and move on
5. Find someone

Want

Someone to be there
to give a damn
is all anyone wants out of life
we keep playing games
with our fragile hearts
Broken and broken and broken
Broken hearted
Nearly departed
Life goes on and on and on
No gods no masters
only messes and disasters
To love is to be in pain
To be happy is to be ignorant
Nothing but problems
Nothing but pain
Missing someone is a futile waste
When nothing is reciprocated
We play our silly games
Going unappreciated
words words words
but nothing ever gets said
empty hollow words
better off dead
to love is only to be in pain
to care when its all in vain

Blank

This is the canvas
upon which I scrawl
my feelings and thoughts
for one and all
I will not fail
in this dream called life
but preserver
in unending strife
My creation is my will
my words my grail
transmitting my mind
my thoughts will assail
you cannot dodge
you will not hide
your appearance of valor
is nothing but pride
your world will crumble
and you will see
none so mighty
paired off against me

Two Words

Atheist Fistbump!

Broken

Broken and shattered
pieces on the floor
my poor heart
cannot take any more
another kick in the teeth
headed my way
my wounded heart
cannot get away
dealing and coping
for what its worth
is it so wrong to wish
to undo my birth?
make it all go away
and cease to exist
remove me from here
a cancerous cyst

Stream of thought excercise #003

Lost in a desert, shifting sands of emotion and blowing winds of time constantly reshaping how my world looks and feels. Reflections flutter past of happy times, sad times and fleeting glimpses of times yet to come. No sense or comprehendable reason controls the shifting sand garden of my conflicted mind. Grasping and attempting to make decisions and foresee outcomes yet to pass. How many paths still await to be taken and how many have been closed off and locked away forever? The sand shifts yet again...

Stream of thought excercise #002

happiness is a fleeting feeling overcome by the eventual sadness that accompanies the crushing weight of reality and the futility of pursuits to extend or expand upon the happiness we struggle to maintain. why then do we keep throwing ourselves into the swirling waters of what can only be accurately described as pure insanity in order to have more of this fleeting feeling. one that we know can only ultimately end? why keep following feelings when our mind screams at us to stop? Reality is harsh. Life sucks. True happiness is just that... a fleeting feeling, a moment, an instant. For some sadness is just so much easier to accept. Depression is more welcome. If only because we know that once you are at the bottom there is no farther to fall. We've been there before and it's like the house you grew up in, comfortable, welcome. And yet we just keep chasing...and pursuing...and hoping for something different...just this once...or the next time...or even the time after that...just to have that feeling again.

Stream of thought exercise #001

Feelings overflow into the landscape of my mind such overpowering emotions, too much to control with the force of will non-existent and floundering, sanity in a lifeboat, lost in the middle of nowhere as lipstick labeled non smudge stains my lips beating in my chest to hard to ignore and feelings overpower and beg for more... stains of rouge on my shoulder from an embrace that will never end... in a memory so strong it lasts forever aching for renewal as yet time means nothing there is nothing left to lose everything borders on insanity as memories of a time regretfully past echoes in my mind constantly reverberating in the contours of my aching head finding the target in my heart and causing a pitiless death of hope and dream you live in happiness as I live in hope grasping at anything to make such dreams of yesterday a fulfilling and golden reality happiness is not but a moment not an everlasting thing but something to be cherished as it slips through your parted fingers so slick and wet with bliss and redemption.

"Diet is die, with a 't'." - Garfield the cat.

About two and a half years ago I was pretty content with my body image. While in the back of my head the fat kid from high school kept rearing his ugly head and telling me that I was still fat I had him stifled to a whisper. I broke up with the girl I was seeing at the time and ended up losing about 15 pounds in a week due to the depression that followed. Not necessarily because of the breakup, but all in all it was just a fml kind of year and that was the straw that broke it all.

Fast forward to about two months ago and one of the employees where I work walks by and says, "are you putting on weight?". REALLY? I know I'm not a woman and thus by societal standards should not be hurt or take offense at such a comment but damn. So anyway... moving right along. I have decided to start working out more and counting calories again.

I guess a big push for this is that the fat kid is starting to get a little louder and I haven't really gone out that much lately. And being out of shape is obviously counter productive to getting dates. I can be the nicest, funniest guy, a gentlemen and full of engaging conversation till I burst, but when everything really comes into focus, I'm the fat guy.

So, besides other factors that need to come into play in the next year or less in order to avoid becoming the crazy cat guy, the diet is on.

High School memories...

Went out with a friend from high school a couple nights ago.  At one point during the night, school came up and she asked, "What was high school like for you?".  I suppose it would seem like an innocent enough and easy to answer question for most, but considering who I was in that time it was a hard question for me.

This was the same girl who at my five year reunion informed me that some people had been talking about the fact that someone had actually had a kid with me and just how astonished they were at that fact.  Seriously? I know right?  And I actually still keep going back to the reunions too... glutton for punishment I suppose.

Honestly, for me, high school was a living hell.  I was the kid who didn't go out for sports.  I read in my spare time.  I loved art class and drawing and painting.  I was overweight and by default, class clown.  Not by choice as much as a defense mechanism.  I had bullies and upperclassmen who apparently had no better hobby than to give me hell on a daily basis. I took martial arts instead of football and hung out with the other less than popular people.  And all in all in retrospect I guess by being myself instead of being like everyone else I made a target of myself.

I would not wish my best day in high school on my worst enemy.  Its funny to me now to meet up with some of the people that I went to high school with and see how they have gotten fat, dropped out of college, live in our hometown still or whatever.  They are still trying to cling to the cliques and popularity they spent so much time cultivating and are squeezing every drop they can out of their legacies. 

If I could go back, would I change anything? Actually probably not.  I might be more outgoing and talk to the people I wish I had said something to then and taken the risk of rejection but otherwise everything else would stay the same.  I don't think I would be who I am today without the torture I went through those years, and it has all made me the better for it.

My brother.

I don't know why I even let it come into my head lately. One might look at it as some kind of perverse torture but for the last few weeks I have been thinking more about my brother. This upcoming march will be the three month anniversary(?) of his death. I'm running out of words so I'm just going to post something I wrote instead.

Things are never easy
Life is a complicated game
The rules are a little hazy
And the results are never the same

You played the hand you were dealt,
with kindness, tenderness and grace
No matter what the circumstance,
a smile was on your face

Whatever work you could find
you always did your best
Only taking time for those you loved
And never for your own rest

Striving to get by
And helping those around
Putting everyone before you
With not a complaint to be found

You traveled lightly through this life
Not many possessions to pack
A few necessities and mementos
And your clothing all in black

For you this game is over
but you've played it well
Succeeding when you could
And smiling when you fell

Your shackles have been released
the chains of this life fall free
Go finally live and be happy
Just save some room for me

With the help of my sister I read this at the funeral.  Not my best work but then at the time it was good enough. 

Nothing much...

A while back I was told I should try to do this, start a blog that is. After seriously putting it off for a while I think I finally mustered up the courage to do it. Well obviously I did because here is post no. 1. As pathetic as it is, but yeah a friend in Europe just popped up so I'm gonna chat for a bit. More later...